I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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