i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
