Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
