Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
