I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
