He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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