Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
