I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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