i don't like sucking hair
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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