Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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