ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
