They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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