I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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