Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
