if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
