my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
