Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
