i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
