I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
