You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize