There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
