Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
