so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
