before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
