worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
