I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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