You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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