she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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