What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why are your pants in the freezer?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
