Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
