Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
