I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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