I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
