FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
