I cannot find my penis.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
