Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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