I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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