i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
