i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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