Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
