i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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