I need to stop coming to work sober
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
