fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
