How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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