I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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