i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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