Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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