I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize