I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
