Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
