i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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