So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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