I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When are your genitals available?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
