I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
