do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
