i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
