I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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