Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize