I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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