Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
