Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize