I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
