So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
