Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
