just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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