the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
