I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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