I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
