What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
