only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
