Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
jump out the window naked night went bad
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