If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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