I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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