I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
